Attempting to be Honest.

Peace and Chaos and a New Home Life

sims family '14

Sometimes I think I have things to say…then other times I doubt that.  Maybe it’s that I don’t know that I have any advice to give because I just have no clue what I’m doing! It’s been a little over a month since we actually brought Moise and Esther home.  Just typing that causes me to remember how, not so long ago, that seemed like a pipe dream, yet here we are right in the thick of it.

And “thick” it really feels sometimes… thick and heavy and deep.  Several times a day I feel I’m in way over my head.  There are these two hurting kids and I can only guess at what I’m doing with them.  I speak words and do my best to have them come out sounding sure, but once I walk away, I’m plagued with doubts.

I find it’s so easy to worry.

I worry about all these kids and how they’ll turn out.  Will they really love each other?  And why can’t I get myself together?  My life feels out of sync and unorganized.

Emotions, they sway and turn inside me like rolling tides.  Is everyone feeling enough love?  Am I missing something major, so that one or more of these children will grow up and feel they’ve been robbed?

My prayer…earnest and sincere…is that they will feel abundance in every area.  That they will grow and bask in it and have a heart full of gratitude for the mercy God has shown us.  That these dreams that filled my heart from the beginning will come to fruition.  That I could truly see them living and breathing!

My children, growing in a home full of peace and comfort… full of love and laughter…that words like “biological” and “adopted” wouldn’t separate them in any way… but that they would all fully feel they “belong”.  That each of them would know how very wanted and important they are and that they have a special destiny all their own…and it’s just laid out for them, so there isn’t a need to compare.

And maybe I have to figure that out within my own soul first?  Maybe that’s the key.  An example and an attitude and an aura from me to permeate our home.

How to slow something down and find peace in places that are naturally chaotic.  When one child stops crying another one inevitably starts… when one child has a full belly, the other one is hungry… when one child feels full to the brim with your love, another one isn’t quite full enough and they NEED… oh how they need!

How can I find peace?

How can I BE peace here?

How do I fill our lives up with abundance when I feel so exhausted?

I have to keep coming around to it, like a tilt-a-whirl, I have a God who carries all of this for me.  I have a Love who tells me, “This is not for you to bear.” All the guilt and worry; all the temptation to strive over my children…and doesn’t a peaceful home come from a parent’s peaceful spirit?

And doesn’t a peaceful spirit come from a wellspring deep inside; how it gushes and bubbles forth free from trouble.

Peaceful spirited people know they aren’t the “end-all-be-all”; they realize they aren’t ultimately in control.

And because of this, they are a gift everywhere they go.  I pray for this inside me.  That great knowledge which leads me to release and breathe; bask in the glory of dirty feet and warm, sweaty foreheads…I’m praying I can give my children the gift of a peaceful mother.

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One response

  1. Ben and I have begun exploring mindfulness and meditation with our boys. I feel so calmer when I have taken just a few minutes to focus on breathing and the words I’m speaking to myself…inner peace seems hard to find in the life of a mother, but I think God honors our littlest, stumbling steps. Praying for you.

    March 24, 2014 at 1:43 pm

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